Becoming an Emotionally Healthy Mother
Some love for mamas who are at their wits end.
When your child starts to become overwhelmed by strong emotions (anger, sadness, fear), remind yourself to take a giant step back emotionally. This is often the hardest step for parents. You need to ground yourself in your own oasis of calmness and clarity, instead of getting sucked into your child's pain and chaos. If you notice yourself having strong emotions in reaction to your child, take a time-out to care for yourself and get grounded. Remind yourself, ‘This isn't about me.’ If you aren't calm and centered, you simply can't help your child. Find your calm center first.
(Note: This step can be especially difficult when your own childhood wounds are being triggered by your child. For instance, a Mom whose parents were unpredictable and threatening in their discipline style may become extremely distressed when her child expresses anger. Or a Dad who was always told to "suck it up" when he was sad may find himself extremely uncomfortable, withdrawing when his son cries. Attachment-based therapy can help!)
At Your Wits End?
I love a good idiom.
“At your wit’s end” means “to be so worried, annoyed, or frustrated that you do not know what to do next.”
I’ve been there, and I bet you have been too.
Watching my three children with their very young children is a privilege I prayed for over four decades ago.
I didn’t expect to watch them with newborns, toddlers, and now budding preschoolers and “see” what I went through as a young mother.
We don’t get to “watch” or “observe” our journey of becoming a mother.
I keep saying, “How on earth did I raise newborn twins and a rambunctious four-year-old and keep my sanity?” The question is: Did I really keep my sanity?
Memories come flooding back, and I remember being “at my wits’s end” many times.
Easy “IG” answer: the grace of my loving Father God, the support of my husband, family, and church, many wise, older women, and a fierce intention to raise a sound, healthy family.
Complex “Reality” answer: I sighed and cried a whole lot. I prayed constantly—primarily out of a state of desperation. I talked to myself incessantly with scripture after scripture—which I now know is called “compassionate self-talk.” I listened to three specific radio shows: Focus on the Family (yes, I am from that generation) at 8:30 am, Chuck Swindoll at 10:30 am, and Elisabeth Elliot at 11:15 am. Then, a revolutionary emotional and mental health radio show, The Meier Clinic at 1:00 p.m. opened my awareness and initiated my emotional and mental health healing journey.
I watched Oprah at 4 p.m., and her show with Dr. Doris Rapp rocked my world and confirmed my intuitive sense of my children’s food allergies and sensitivities.
Dr. Doris Rapp, a renowned advocate for environmental medicine, was recently featured on Oprah. This followed on the heels of an appearance on the Maury Povich show and the publication of her latest book, Is This Your Child’s World?
As a result, families and educators are gradually getting the message that foods, adverse chemicals, and allergens can affect the functioning of the central nervous system. An elementary school guidance counselor caught the Oprah show a few weeks ago and approached me, ‘Sheila, you’ve been talking about this for years, but I never really got it. When I saw Dr. Rapp’s videos of children being tested and treated, I realized those were my kids — the ones I have to restrain when they get out of control. Teachers need to see this!’”
Read more: Dr. Doris Rapp
My Hope for 2025’s Dedication to Mothering on the Podcast
It is my deep and earnest prayer that my podcast, “Today’s Heartlift with Janell,” and this Substack, will have the same vital impact for you as those radio shows had for me.
They were my lifeline, literally.
I listened while I did my rinse-and-repeat daily duties. You know: diaper changing and rechanging five minutes after just changing due to poop central; cutting and fixing and cleaning up three meals a day and snacks; naptimes and bedtimes and middle-of-the-night times. Breastfeeding and bottling and negotiating and mediating…shall I continue?
Can anyone say, “I’m exhausted?”
I returned to the podcast archives for this week’s show, “If Mama Ain’t Healthy, Ain’t Nobody Healthy.”
It’s right here for you to take a listen:
A Little Q&A
In “The Birth of a Mother: How the Motherhood Experience Changes You Forever,” Daniel N. Stern writes:
In a sense, a mother has to be born psychologically much as her baby is born physically. What a woman gives birth in her mind is not a new human being, but a new identity: the sense of being a mother. How does this identity emerge in each woman, and what does the process feel like?
Becoming a mother is accomplished by the labor each woman performs on the landscape of her mind, labor resulting in a motherhood mindset, a deep and private realm of experience.”
I’m so curious about a few things as we begin this journey of mothering:
How would you describe or define “a motherhood mindset?”
In your experience of becoming a mother, would you agree with Daniel N. Stern that “a mother has to be born psychologically much as her baby is born physically?”
To help fashion podcast episodes and conversations for you in 2025, what “mothering” questions, subjects, or challenges would you like to delve into more deeply?