The Psychology of a Kiss
Author and Pastor Russell Joyce on his newest book, "His Face Like Mine"
When passion takes a grip, a kiss locks two humans together in an exchange of scents, tastes, textures, secrets and emotions. We kiss furtively, lasciviously, gently, shyly, hungrily and exuberantly. We kiss in broad daylight and in the dead of night. We give ceremonial kisses, affectionate kisses, Hollywood air kisses, kisses of death and, at least in fairytales, pecks that revive princesses.
—https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/affairs-of-the-lips-why-we-kiss/
I admit that I am addicted to Hallmark Christmas movies.
There, I said it.
Why do I love them so much?
They are easy, predictable, and stressless, and, of course, they always have a happy ending with a grand finale kiss under the mistletoe.
Some are better than others, but one thing remains: the grand finale kiss.
Why is Kissing So Powerful?
Because with the right person, sometimes kissing feels like healing.”
—Lisa McMann
Kissing is powerful because “sometimes kissing feels like healing.”
It certainly did with this week’s podcast guest, Russell Joyce, author of His Face Like Mine: Finding God’s Love in Our Wounds.
The first sentence of his book reads:
One night years back, my fiancée, Anna, and I were making out. She lived with six other women in a house in Portland, Oregon, and we found ourselves alone, which didn’t happen often. We decided to take advantage of the privacy. We were in our midtwenties, had been together for a year, were recently engaged, and swooning over each other. It was a happy season. In the middle of the moment, she pulled back.
Anna pulled back because she was frustrated that Russell wouldn’t let her kiss the left side of his face.
As you will hear in this week’s episode, Russell explains that a long-standing negative belief kept him from allowing her to kiss him there—on the left side of his face.
Russell was born with a rare craniofacial disorder called Goldenhar syndrome, where the left side of his face was not formed. He explains his life as one fraught with “patchwork surgeries” that made him outwardly presentable but inwardly scarred.
His identifying core belief was, “I am ugly.”
The Psychology of a Kiss
My conversation with Russell ignited a passion for discovering what’s behind a kiss—the actual psychology of a kiss. Working for over a decade with trauma-informed clients, Russell’s story fortified my findings on how the body does indeed “keep the score.”1
In “What Happens in Your Brain When You’re in Love,” researcher Amy Novotney notes the research findings conducted by Stephanie Cacioppo2. “She shed more light on how love affects your brain. Her team found 12 areas of the brain that work together to release chemicals such as the ‘feel-good’ hormone dopamine, the ‘cuddle hormone’ oxytocin, and adrenaline, which induces a euphoric sense of purpose. Her findings also indicated that the brain’s reward circuit—the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex—which is very sensitive to behaviors that induce pleasure, lit up on brain scans when talking about a loved one because of increased blood flow in these areas.”3
In “Affairs of the Lips: Why We Kiss,”4 author Chip Walter notes the work of evolutionary psychologist Gordon D. Gallup, Jr.:
“Kissing,” he writes, “involves a very complicated exchange of information—olfactory information, tactile information, and postural types of adjustments that may tap into underlying evolved and unconscious mechanisms that enable people to make determinations … about the degree to which they are genetically incompatible.”
Walter continues, “Since kissing evolved, the act seems to have become addictive. Human lips enjoy the slimmest layer of skin on the human body, and the lips are among the most densely populated with sensory neurons of any body region. When we kiss, these neurons and those in the tongue and mouth rocket messages to the brain and body, setting off delightful sensations, intense emotions, and physical reactions.”
The God Who Kisses Our “Core” Wounds
Core wounds are negative self-beliefs that shape who we are, how we relate to others, and what we do. They’re lifelong wounds that keep controlling your behaviors on autopilot unless you heal the trauma associated with them.5
This is why Anna’s kiss ignited a trigger within Russell.
I find that fascinating.
God loves Russell so much that he brought a beautiful woman named Anna to help Russell heal from a deeply rooted, damaging core wound.
I do not doubt that he also loves YOU so much that he has already brought someone to help you heal, or He is about to.
A Little Q&A
7 To keep me grounded and stop me from becoming too high and mighty due to the extraordinary character of these revelations, I was given a thorn in the flesh—a nagging nuisance of Satan, a messenger to plague me! 8 I begged the Lord three times to liberate me from its anguish; 9 and finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” So, ask me about my thorn and inquire about my weaknesses, and I will gladly go on and on. I would rather stake my claim in these and have the power of the Anointed One at home within me. 10 I am at peace and even take pleasure in any weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and afflictions for the sake of the Anointed because when I am at my weakest, He makes me strong.”
—The apostle Paul writes of his shortcomings (i.e., negative core wound—pride)
in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, The Voice
After listening and reading through 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, The Voice, I’d love to know:
How (has) or (is) God sculpting peace in your life? Like Russell, Anna’s kiss invited Russell to delve deeper into his damaging core wound. This is painful—much like the carvings of a potter on the clay—yet it ultimately releases a more profound sense of God’s love, which releases God’s deep inner peace.
In his article “What are Core Wounds?”6 Hanan Parvez tells us to “Pay attention to your negative inner monologue. “What words do you use when thinking negatively about yourself?” He continues, “Romantic relationships will likely trigger our core wounds because they break down our walls and force us to reveal who we are. We tend to display the same attachment style with our romantic partners that we display with our primary caregivers.”
If you’d like to dig deeper into attachment styles, here is a great introductory article: https://www.columbiapsychiatry.org/news/how-attachment-styles-influence-romantic-relationships
Check out the following episodes on the podcast:
What is Secure Attachment (Episode 40)
The Power of a Good Cling (Episode 113)
Forming a False Self (Episode 48)
Awakening To Our True Self (Episode 49)
I’ll meet you back here!
Keep sprinkling your glimmer dust, Heartlifter.
https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22353205/
https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/brain-on-love
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/affairs-of-the-lips-why-we-kiss/
https://www.psychmechanics.com/core-wounds/
https://www.psychmechanics.com/core-wounds/