Giving Up the Grudge

Grudges are smudges on our heart’s window, blocking the Light and
hindering the reception of joy and beauty.

“Overcoming Hurtful Words: Rewrite Your Own Story”

Harboring Grudges

When writing my second book, “Overcoming Hurtful Words: Rewrite Your Own Story,”¹ I was trying to decipher the difference between someone being “well-meaning” and “just-plain-mean.”

I had been offended and wanted to understand “the mechanics” of the offense.

What surprised me most was the answer didn’t matter.

What mattered was “the mechanics” of my heart.

I was the problem.

I needed to change.

My heart needed to heal and ultimately become more mature.

I discovered I have a problem with harboring grudges.

What Creates a Grudge?

Dictionary.com defines a grudge as “a feeling of resentment harbored² because of some real or fancied wrong.”³ Key: real or fancied. A grudge doesn’t even have to be “real.” We imagine it. Why? Because we are emotionally hindered due to past trauma, immaturity, or, as I have learned, “We don’t know anything different.”

A grudge is a feeling—one of the million feelings we have in a day.

But it's not a good feeling. It may “feel good” in the immediate aftermath of the wrongdoing, but in the long term, it causes big problems—which I call “smudges on the heart’s window.”⁴

More profound damage is found in harboring resentment, which leaves our emotional state shipwrecked.⁵

“Resentment can be described as a complex, multilayered emotional reaction to being mistreated or wronged by another person, situation, or series of circumstances. Often, resentment feels like a merging of anger, bitterness, disgust, disappointment, and disapproval toward the person or events that led to your perspective.”⁶

Okay, there it is—your perspective.⁷

Perception is everything.⁸

What Do We Do With It?

“Resentment can be like an iceberg, with its true source hidden beneath the surface,” illustrates Dr. Albers. “In therapy, you embark on a journey of self-discovery, peeling back the layers to uncover the roots of your resentment. It allows you to stop the cycle of resentment, heal and find true resolution. It can also help you to find your voice and communicate what you truly want instead of silencing what you need.”⁹

I love the advice of The Cleveland Clinic and offer it to you here. And I’m mingling in some of the practices that help me:

1. Locate the source of your resentment.

2. Try empathy and examine your expectations. There it is! The root of a grudge is often within misaligned expectations.

3. Practice gratitude.

4. Lean into self-compassion.

5. I add, “Get the help you need. Find a coach, counselor, or wise friend.” We can’t heal alone; healing happens in the community.

6. Fight the inner battle between good and evil. It is there. Choose love over hate.

7. And become a glimmer hunter. Set a daily intention, “I see beauty along my path today.”

8. Live in a state of pre-forgiveness.

9. Be patient with yourself. The heartlifter’s journey towards wholeness takes time and much practice.

10. Feed your soul with healthy voices. Surround yourself with wise friends who are also committed to wholeness. We are not perfect—none of us are—but we can be imperfectly perfect.

Choose Love Over Hate, Every Single Time

My greatest takeaway of all in life is to choose love over hate.

I’m imperfectly perfectly finding my way there, but it is the most worthy path.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and more importantly, I want to learn from you.

What little practices have you found helpful in choosing love over hate?

1. https://www.janellrardon.com/stronger-every-day

2. https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/harbored

3. https://medium.com/curious/how-to-let-go-of-grudges-and-be-at-peace-c12de1929f0b

4. https://www.healthline.com/health/holding-grudges

5. https://helpfulprofessor.com/types-of-affect/

6. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-resentment

7. https://www.oliandalex.com/the-surprising-impact-of-holding-a-grudge-how-resentment-affects-your-health-and-relationships/

8. I’ve created this playlist of podcast episodes dealing with “The Elusive Power of Perception” for you:

9. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-resentment